Film Review - Wolverine, Please Just Claw Out My Eyes Next Time

X-Men Origins: Wolverine is a movie that starts with a mildly awkward title and only gets worse from there. Sure, a big, shiny summer popcorn movie is easy bait for snarky, dismissive reviews by pretentious, undeservedly self-important bloggers. It just so happens that this clunky blockbuster on watered-down steroids deserves every bit of exhausted criticism thrown it's way. Besides, big, bloated summer cash collectors have shown that they can have their cake and eat it, too. The Dark Knight (especially) and Iron Man (to a lesser degree) proved that adolescent-oriented explosionfests can successfully add some interesting cultural nuance to the mix. We don't even have to set the bar that high, though. The first two X-Men movies were just plain fun, and the candy-coated xenophobia-as-mutant-prejudice was not exactly nuanced cultural observation. Those movies succeeded simply because they offered well-told, well-crafted stories with lots of creative action sequences. Unfortunately, director Gavin Hood offered none of the above in Wolverine. There are a few spoilers in this review, but believe me, it's highly unlikely that you'll actually be interested enough in the film to care. Besides, the film's few attempts at plot twists are so predictable, that it's hardly fair to call any "giveaway" a spoiler.

The film begins showing us the childhood of Logan/Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) and Victor/Sabretooth (Liev Schreiber) in the 1850's. After an Oedipal incident of murder that forces the boys to flee their home, we learn that they are brothers with special mutant powers. Suddenly, we see them as adults serving in the Civil War, both World Wars, and Vietnam. Let's just stop right there. First of all, I don't recall the film offering any impetus for their becoming soldiers, other than the fact that they are both bad asses with crazy, bad ass powers. Secondly, if this film series indicated that mutants live forever or have prolonged lifespans, I had forgotten that and don't recall being reminded in this installment. Lastly, the film is supposed to tell us the Origins of these characters and I have yet to know why either of these mutants grow powerful claw-like appendages (Wolverine from his knuckles and Sabretooth from his fingernails.) True, I'm not a fan boy, but this is a film made for the masses, not simply diehard X-Men geeks. A summer blockbuster should not require prior research. But back to the plot. We had just finished a century's worth of wars.

During these awkwardly rushed battle sequences, we begin to see that Sabretooth is somehow becoming a dark, morally depraved mutant, attempting to rape a young village girl in Vietnam. The sibling rivalry of good vs. evil can now begin, I suppose. However, this, too, is never really explained or explored - it just is. Character development, schmaracter development. Who cares? Let's get back to some superhero fights, right? Well, that laziness might work if the action sequences were particularly interesting or compelling, but they weren't. They were generic, standard fare superhero duke outs not really trying anything new.

I won't bore myself by continuing to recount the film's lumbering plot except to say that it boils down to Wolverine and a few mutant collaborators working to foil an evil plan developed by Sabretooth and the non-mutant, mad-scientist William Stryker (Danny Huston). Stryker is holding other mutants captive and somehow usurping their powers in an effort to develop some "holy shit" kind of super-duper weapon for the U.S. military. The setting for this ? (spoiler alert) Three Mile Island. I guess there is supposed to be a metaphor in there somewhere? Anyhow, the setting allows for the final showdown to occur in and around giant nuclear reactors where the explosions and destruction can take place on a large, industrial stage. Even then, however, I was literally fighting to stay awake and just wanted the movie to end.

The problem with Wolverine is that it never seemed to know what it wanted to explore and certainly had no idea how it wanted to approach whatever that was. The movie was constantly shifting in tone. The worst example of a jarring tonal shift occurs during a scene when Wolverine is forced to fight a former mutant colleague, The Blob (Kevin Durand) who has become grossly and morbidly obese since Wolverine last saw him. The scene seems to be going for comic relief, but it simply comes off flat and out of place. Furthermore, the cheesy, Eddie-Murphy style fat suit enlisted for The Blob doesn't help. It is, however, a perfect metaphor for the movie as a whole: bloated, unconvincing, and clumsy.