I Miss George W. Bush's Balls

For eight long, disastrous years, we had a President whose dearth of intellectual curiosity and cerebral dexterity was rivaled only by his abundance of unearned confidence and self righteousness. In short, George W. Bush was all balls and no brains. It often seemed that the more wrong-headed and unwelcome his policies, the more steadfastly he defended and even expanded those policies (for examples see the war in Iraq, Guantanamo Bay detention, unlawful domestic wiretapping, the illegal politicization of the justice department, and "enhanced interrogation" aka torture to name only a few.) It will take decades to undo much of this damage, but the lives lost unnecessarily in a misbegotten war can never be replaced. Despite the national tragedy (make that international tragedy) that was the Bush Administration, I find myself missing certain aspects of his presidency. In short, I miss George W. Bush's enormous, hulking balls.

George W. Bush's balls were like overgrown yams angrily swinging their way through foreign and domestic policy. They thuggishly assaulted anyone or anything that got in their way, be it common sense, common decency, or international law. They were very scary balls. Many poked fun at W.'s ridiculous swagger with his bowed legs, pumped out chest, hips thrust forward, and arms stiffly bent at right angles by his side. That was not swagger; Bush was simply trying to counterbalance and make room for those caustic, dense potatoes always reminding him of their presence. Obama, on the other hand.... Well, his smooth, effortless gait betrays the reality of his anatomy.

"George W. Bush's balls were like overgrown yams angrily swinging their way through foreign and domestic policy. They thuggishly assaulted anyone or anything that got in their way, be it common sense, common decency, or international law."

While Obama may not quite be a eunuch, I would say his marbles aspire unsuccessfully to that euphemism. Not even marbles, they are more like dried, shrinking pomegranate seeds. They quietly and politely stay out of the way, only nervously affirming the President's cowardice on the rare occasion that they are consulted.

"You're right, Mr. President," say Obama's seeds, "a public option is not necessary to real health care reform. Let's just mandate that everyone buy overpriced insurance from the already corrupt insurance companies. We can call that reform, right? And let's not push those Blue Dog Democrats. They need that health insurance money to get re-elected next term, so that they can continue to obstruct a progressive agenda. And, goodness, sir.... Those inbred hecklers at town hall meetings look pretty scary, too. Some of them carry guns, Mr. President! I mean, I don't always like Republicans, either, sir, but you are so wise not to provoke them. Besides, Chuck Grassley is a nice man. He gives me candy every time he's invited to the Oval Office."

Yes, Obama's seeds are tragically aware of their uselessness, and only strive to avoid conflict or real reform. Perhaps if they were ever nurtured or fertilized, they might grow into a pair of healthy, full-grown pomegranate fruits which rival potatoes in both weight and volume. Sadly, there is little evidence that this will happen, so I propose a testicular transplant. Imagine Bush's balls with Obama's brains. If only we could construct this Mr. Potato Crotch as president.

Look, if Obama had W.'s nads, would he really cower to an opposing party whose constituents won't even allow their children to listen to a speech that encourages them to study hard and stay in school? If Obama had Bush's oysters, that speech would be mandatory viewing and would encourage children to ask their parents why they think people with existing diseases deserve to die. If Obama had Bush's cajones, he would tell Blue Dog obstructionists that he would campaign against any legislators who seek to derail legitimate health care reform. If Obama had Bush's stones, he would have temporarily taken over the banks instead of handing them billions and appointing the very architects of the banking collapse to his cabinet. If Obama had Bush's clappers, he would have appointed Ralph Nader to the attorney general and watched him prosecute Bush and Cheney for war crimes instead of begging Eric Holder not to proceed with a namby pamby investigation of low level CIA agents who surpassed the already illegal "guidelines" which condoned waterboarding and other torture techniques. If Obama had Bush's love apples, I would be praising him instead of maligning him. As it is, he is exactly what his Republican detractors labeled him during the Presidential campaign - all rhetoric and no substance.

Progressives who continue to blindly support this president are setting the bar way too low. Is Obama a vast improvement over George W. Bush? Yes. Is it reassuring, exciting, and inspiring to have the country's first African-American president? Absolutely. What, however, can we point to in support of a progressive agenda? It's true, the man has only been in office for a little more than six months. No one expects him to accomplish everything in that time (especially considering the shit storm he inherited), but it would be reassuring to see him put up a fight. Instead, the man continues to "negotiate" with (or cower to) an opposition party that doesn't even concede his citizenship to the country! It's time to lose the aloof, above-it-all professor demeanor and learn to throw a punch, Mr. President. If your biological shortcomings don't allow it, at least learn to pull some hair and scratch a few faces. Please, Mr. President, grow a pair; or, better yet, borrow Bush's.